Aquarius

People probably consider you a tedious bore who drones on about things that are of no interest to them. You're not just a bore though, you're also arrogant and stuck up and think you're better than other people.

You think you're always right in both your opinions and how you think other people should be treated, and other people thinking you are wrong is simply them not understanding your advanced thinking. Once you put your mind to something, you pursue it with a dogged attention to the detriment of everything else.

You are geeky and dull and a bit of a weirdo. If you live in Japan then most of your disposable income will go on buying used panties from a vending machine. You are scatty and unpredictable with very low sexual standards. Your eyes wander as much as your mind and while you claim to be faithful, you'd have sex with the minister at your own wedding.

You are terrible with money. Your undeserved intellect will ensure you are always highly paid, however you piss most of it away on Star Wars toys and Pokémon cards. You are likely to be a banker, stock trader or some other dickhead profession that everyone hates.

You aspire to be tedious and your likely diet of pizza and TeeVee means you're probably also a fat waster.

Aries

You're like a bull in a china shop and people try to avoid you, but rarely succeed. You love nothing more than the sound of your own voice, especially if it is trampling the voice of others. You are impatient and intolerant of the problems of others. You are selfish and think only of yourself. You think you are free with your advice and opinions, but the reality is that you're just rude.

You're not just selfish, though, you're also insensitive and quick to anger. You're bossy too, and also a bad loser. You probably have quite bad health, which is just proof that God hates you as much as everyone else.

No matter what you do for a living, you're probably broke due to your drug habit.

Capricorn

You're a fleshy welcome mat. You love nothing more than to be walked over and covered in dog turd. You are weak-willed, though your plodding nature often sees you through; I guess the Sun even shines on a dog's arse some days. You are slow-moving and boringly methodical. You lack emotion and enthusiasm in everything you do.

It's not only your methods that are dull. You are dull also. Your relationships are boring and people only stay with you because they know at least you don't have the imagination to be unfaithful. You rarely show any emotion, even to your partner, but that is never an issue as they are probably only with you so you can do their tax return.

Needless to say you probably have a stack of boring money stashed away in a boring bank account just in case you need it for something boring in the future, like a deposit on a house or pension contributions. You'll probably end up losing all your money to a Nigerian fraudster one day. It is likely you'll be responsible for "bringing down" a bank.

The best you can probably aspire to be is a politician. Not Prime Minster or anything like that, just a politician. Or a PCSO.

You probably live alone and spend a lot of time on your own as people are scared of dying of boredom around you. Even your ailments are dull and boring and you probably suffer indigestion and piles.

Gemini

If you're fat (which you probably are) you refer to yourself as "bubbly", but other people probably refer to you as "fucking annoying". You never shut up, and on a night out you are the one who starts off the life of the party, and ends up crying on the stairs. Your textual diarrhoea is as abundant as your verbal diarrhoea. You laugh at your own jokes. It is likely you speak many languages and will end up working as an interpreter for a terrorist organisation. Who will probably kill you.

You are a slut. It is as likely that your partner is cheating on you, as you are on them.

Your ideal job is being a "rep" for an 18-30 holiday firm, where you can indulge your talents of linguistics and promiscuity. You are easily bored, which is why you have probably had so many sexual partners.

Money isn't much of an issue for you. As long as you have enough for two litres of White Lightning you're happy. If you have enough left over for some condoms, you're ecstatic. Your disposable income is probably spent down the arcade or bookies.

You probably have all manner of respiratory ailments as the only time you're at peace is when you're sleeping.

Leo

You're a bully who likes to be the centre of attention. You think you have a "strong personality" but you're just an arsehole. You like picking on people who are smaller and weaker than you. In the gallery of life's painters, you're a "broad strokes" artist with no time for the small detail.

You're not very bright and you often replace intelligence with volume. In relationships you like to be controlling. If you're male you probably beat your partner, and if you're female you probably sleep with your partner's friends.

Your self-importance makes you conceited and patronising. You surround yourself with weak people who seek the shade of your over-bearing personality.

You treat your money like you treat everything...with ham fists. You buy shares, you bet on horses, you treat prostitutes. You lie to all of your friends about how much you earn.

You see yourself as a manager or a CEO or something like that, but the greatest you'll achieve is managing the local under-11s football team.

Pisces

You probably cry a lot. You consider yourself to be sensitive and compassionate, but the reality is that you are easily overwhelmed. You always run to the aid of lost causes, and you have a library of "The Big Issue" magazines. While you are the first to cry at the suffering of others, you keep your own emotions bottled up. You're seen as just a whiner.

You think you are psychic and nothing pleases you more than boring others with the details of your dreams, or trying to analyse the dreams of others in terms of cliché observations.

You're easily lead and when you listen to people's problems they often manipulate you into helping them. If you're female you've probably fucked more tramps than that tramp has sold The Big Issue. If you're male, the amount of debt you've paid off of other women dwarfs the debt of most African nations.

You hate being on your own. If you were forced to live on your own you'd probably die. You'd have nothing to eat but copies of The Big Issue. Any spare money you have goes to the RSPCA.

You want to be an actress/actor or musician. Failing that, a nurse. You'll probably end up killing yourself, or dying from alcoholism.

Sagittarius

You are very immature and were the oldest person at "Finding Nemo" who wasn't there with their children. You still like funfairs and roller coasters and My Little Pony. People talk about you behind your back tirelessly.

Every relationship you have is "the one" and you think you are the modern embodiment of Cinderella, waiting for Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet. Your bedroom is pink, Hello Kitty on most of your possessions. You'll probably marry a Turkish waiter, or a Jamaican beach bum.

You will enjoy a steady, and slightly above average income. You won't do anything productive with the money, and you'll eventually be bed-ridden with crippling arthritis.

Scorpio

You are loathsome inside and out. You look like a gargoyle...bile flows from your mouth. Your features have been chiselled from the acid that seeps from every pore. No-one rues an aborted Scorpio. When the anti-Christ is revealed, it'll probably be you.

You study the occult and other dark arts. You think Harry Potter is a documentary and probably refer to yourself as a Witch or a Warlock. You are terrifying when you speak, and even more terrifying when you don't.

Rather than being gainfully employed, you are probably a petty criminal. Maybe a major one. You're more likely to mug a granny than help her across the street. You laugh when children fall over. You prefer anal sex. If you cant win an argument you will probably resort to violence.

You are a jealous lover. Your partner only stays with you as they are afraid of what will happen if they leave you. You hold regular "chastity" inspections, sampling the underwear and genitals of your partner for signs of infidelity, while you regularly cheat on them yourself.

Financially you will always do well. You're probably a burglar, or someone who charged £80,000 to tarmac an old woman's driveway. Sadly you'll probably never die.

Taurus

You love your "things". An eternal fence-sitter you can be relied on to have no strong opinions on anything. People who hate to be offended love talking to you. You buy a lot of cheap art and fake designer gear that you think impresses others. You want to be a WAG. You are easily manipulated into giving money to charity.

You love cuddling. Your partner probably calls it "suffocation". You're not exactly jealous or possessive, but you cry yourself to sleep if your partner wants to play XBOX rather than you. You're not a slut, but you enjoy dressing provocatively then chastising men for looking. You don't mind using cleavage to get your way.

If you work in a bank, or for an insurance company, you probably think of yourself as a diamond in the rough...the one-off honest person in your profession. But you're not; you're a fucking liar like the rest of your colleagues.

You keep your money on the fence too, never gambling and never spending. Subsequently you live a very boring life.

You suffer from frequent mouth ulcers and athlete's foot. You'll live to over 100, but only because no-one in your life feels strongly enough about you to pull the plug.

Virgo

You are Vulcan-like in your coldness and detachment. Facts and logic are the only thing you care about. Your voice is monotone. You over-analyse everything and no-one wants to tell you anything. Counting grains of sand is your favourite hobby.

You probably have OCD and wash your hands 20 times a day. Being a cleaner is probably your ultimate job, though you'll end up getting fired for spending most of your time cleaning your own hands, and opening and closing every bottle five times. You would love to be a doctor or some other healing art, but your obsession with the finer details of things will ruin all of your dreams.

You approach love-making in the same methodical and pedantic way that you approach everything. You have your partner's bits in one hand and your iPhone in the other while you google what to do. You expect others to be as technically accomplished as you are, and you feel disappointed when they don't live up to what you want.

You would think your adherence to rules and routines would make you a dab-hand at the stock market or similar pursuits. However the downside is that you don't appreciate that not everything is bound by your rules and you'll always be the pauper.

You will die of stress.